Have you ever cleaned the house or done a chore your spouse normally handles without being asked, thinking it would make them happy?

I have. 

On the surface, this seems like an act of kindness and selflessness. After all, who wouldn’t want to help ease their partner’s workload? 

But be real with yourself and take a moment to reflect on why you did it. 

Was it truly to lighten their burden? Or was there a part of you that hoped they’d notice and praise you for it? Maybe you wanted to hear, "Wow, you're such a great husband/wife," or you hoped it would make them more affectionate, appreciative, or even guilt them into doing something nice for you in return.  

The underlying motive in what we do in our marriages isn't always purely selfless. Often, it's about wanting validation, recognition, or reciprocity. And yet, most of us wouldn’t think something like doing a chore our spouse normally does as selfish in the moment—we tell ourselves it's about helping them. Right?

But when those unspoken expectations aren’t met—when your spouse doesn’t notice, or worse, doesn’t respond the way you hoped—frustration creeps in.

This reveals the selfish layer beneath the surface.  

Has that happened to you? You did something for your spouse and they didn't respond how you'd hoped and you were frustrated, disappointed or even upset? 

A truly selfless act is unaffected by the other person's response. It's solely to benefit the other person not to meet our own expectations of how they should receive it. 

By acknowledging this, we can start to see how even seemingly kind gestures can come with hidden strings. Motives are complex and recognizing these mixed motives helps us evaluate whether our actions in marriage are truly loving or if they’re creating subtle expectations that set us up for disappointment and conflict.

Problems in marriage come from our selfish expectations not being met in some way.

If everything went exactly as planned in our marriages then we'd have no reasonable reason for being unhappy and self would always be completely satisfied. But our marriages aren't scripted and things don't always go as planned, right? So we try to get our spouses to meet our expectations. Maybe to give us a certain amount of attention or spend money in a way that makes us feel secure. 

Don't get me wrong.

It's alright to try and persuade our spouses to meet our expectations in a small, gentle way without being forceful or emphatic. But in the vast majority of cases that's not what we do and our expectations are emphatic, uncommunicated, selfish or unreasonable. We expect our spouses to just do what we tell them to do and forget they have free will, their own ideas, own views of the world, etcetera. 

So instead, in most cases the only proper option is to change your expectations. "What?! Change MY expectations?"

Yep. 

We don't have the right to use emotional or physical force to change the normal actions of another person, even if they are our spouse. But we do have the right to change our own expectations and reactions. 

Tony Robbins said, "Change your expectations to appreciation and your whole world changes in an instant".

If we merely show appreciation for our spouses and who they are and throw out all the expectations of who they should be then they'll want to be the person you need them to be. They'll want to rise to that higher level, but they'll do it on their own. Not through you beating them over the head with your expectations and then shaming them for not meeting them. 

Don't let selfish expectations hold you back from having a happy marriage.

As you already know, you can't change someone else. You can only change yourself and that's also true in marriage. And when you change yourself...change your expectations, change your reactions... 

Your whole marriage world will change--for the better. 

Do you want to change your marriage for the better to go from struggling, disconnected, or mediocre to happy, thriving and growing without the hassle of counseling or other invasive programs? Start with our Communicate to Connect™ Masterclass to help break the cycles of misunderstandings and deepen your marriage relationship.